I woke up last night at 3am. Everyone was asleep but I shot up from a dead sleep with a heavy anxiety on my chest. It’s been weighing on me since I walked into the school to register Florence for preschool, only to feel like the outcast while the popular girls sat at the lunch table.
Part of that was in my mind. A lot of it wasn’t. Small town friends with their kids all the same age who are all now going to school together. Like my past three years experience here no one was friendly or said hello. Even the women who I am assuming is president of the parents board, I assume because she stared at me blankly when I said I was there to register Florence and didn’t offer an introduction even after I introduced myself.
Florence is ready to go to school. This past week on CBC kids they have been singing a song about going back to school, she knows all the words and talks really fast about her excitement about seeing her friends. How different are children from adults when it comes to new experience. In her mind all those kids are her friends already. How awesome is it to feel and think that?! I, on the other hand am riddled with anxiety on having to interact with people who have basically pretended I haven’t existed. I haven’t met them all but the ones I have met are who I am speaking of. There’s the possibility that I will become friends with these women, that I will have play dates with them and others, but I am going off of the fact that I have had a play date and then no second date.
This sounds very depressing I know. I am in no way putting this onto Florence though. I tell her how awesome her teachers are, how much fun she is going to have and all the friends shes going to make. In my head I worry about her birthday coming and her wanting to invite her whole class and no one showing up. I am jumping to the back of the book already.
In grade four I came home from school on one of the first few days sat down flipped to the back of the math book and cried that I wasn’t going to be able to do any of that work. That I didn’t know anything. Since that day my parents have always brought that up, because what a better way to describe life. I was able to do it because I moved on to grade 5. So why now am I having these feelings? Because this is our first child going into the school system, and while I was a social butterfly and was friends with people in every “group” in school there are also the horrible memories as well. How hard it was to make friends when we moved west in grade 9. How for reasons I cant remember all my friends in grade 3 decided not to speak to me for what feels like months but I cant remember now. It’s the bits and pieces of terrible memories that I’m putting on to her schooling. I am flipping to the back of the book.
She is so ready to go, and preschool is only two days a week for 2.5hours but she is so absolutely thrilled to go. It’s been a long summer and shes done with us.
Last night she was playing with her friend next door jumping on the trampoline and laughing and just having the best time. From what we understood she was asked to come home, that’s the rule, if they are playing but one of the households have plans or its time to eat the kids need to go to the respective properties.
In her almost 4 year old brain she couldn’t understand how she had to come home while her friend was still jumping on the trampoline having fun. Florence drove her car around the yard and along the property line staring longingly next door with a defeated look on her face. It was that moment I started feeling the pressure. Of course about 15minutes later she was having fun with dad and then helping with truck stuff and came inside for a tub with no argument. But I still saw that sad little girls face staring longingly next door and wishing she could be playing.
I have zero control over what will transpire in the next year, and those to come. When she is not with me and surrounded by new people and hopefully great friends I cant do anything about what will be said or what will happen. That to me and my control issues, is absolutely terrifying. I think we are raising a caring loving girl who wont tell others what to wear on Wednesdays, and will include everyone in invitations. All I can do is keep trying, hug her when she cries, and give a thousand standing ovations. I wont let her see my fear for her, I will hug her and tell her to have the best day ever.
So deep breaths this school season momma. You’ve worked hard to raise understanding inclusive kids and your doing your best. Hug them and love them it’s about all we have control over. Good luck on the first days.
Spread love
Xoxo
Simone
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