Ive said it multiply times about how I have always loved to write. I could sit and just randomly scribble down thoughts, crazy ideas, and stories, that no one would ever read. Writing made me feel lighter, it helped me work through things, and understand things that I couldn’t get out of my mouth. It was easier to write someone a letter (a real legit in an envelope letter) in some cases then it was to call them to explain my feelings. Texting and emails were created for me.

When I decided that I was going to start again and just let people read my random thoughts on parenthood, I was so amped up about it. I had been reading mom blogs, and instagram stories where moms would “put it out there” I thought hey I could do that to. I have something worth while to say, I have a different take on motherhood then the rest of them do.

But I don’t.

My story is so much the same as so many other moms. Then the self doubt started to creep in, then things happened in our family that made me question if I should actual write it down for the world. I toggled between wanting to be completely open and honest and being scared.

I was scared of my truth. I was scared about what people would think. After a decade of not caring (or at least saying I didn’t) I did. I started to worry about talking about my family so open and honestly. What would people think?

Because you know in all these blogs that I read, they talk about hard things that CAN happen, but no one actually says they did. So should I?

Why am I comparing myself to so many other moms? Has the internet taken my confidence slowly since becoming a mom? I don’t think it’s strictly the internet, it’s definitely a mix of issues. The first one being, I became a mom. Full stop. After that it was like Simone never existed. The care free woman who once got in her golf in Vancouver and decided to see how long it would take to get to Nova Scotia only to turn around on the highway 30km outside Sault St Marie.

Do I still want to do random things like that?! YES! That part of my spirit hasn’t left. Have I done things like that since becoming a mom? Not to that extent but I still want adventure. So we take adventure days. They aren’t huge cross country road trips, but they are trips to the zoo, or to see dinosaurs, or the park. I want the kids to have adventures, I want to make memories with them but I also want them to drive the Pacific Coast Highway with friends and laugh 20 years later about the hostel they stayed in, in San Fransisco (true story).

Becoming a mom has been the biggest battle Ive gone through, and continue to go through. There have been days I have laid on the bathroom floor sobbing so the kids don’t see me. Because I don’t feel like I could actually get up, the day has been so hard and long and I just don’t know how to handle another minute. But I do get up. I hear them knocking at the door and I get up off the floor. Because I am a mom. Because my love outweighs everything else. Ive called my husband in a rage because our 4 year old acts as if she cant hear my voice and refuses to do what is asked of her.

There’s days where the feeling of losing myself is so strong that I have to do something just to feel like myself again.

I recently won tattoo work from an amazing artist. I have tried for 6 or 7 years to win and I finally did. He does portrait work and I had to pick someone. I picked Hedy Lamarr. If you don’t know who she is you should check it out. She was a woman before her time. She gave the world the finger. She was brilliant before women were allowed to be. She had been a little of everything in her life time, and you can thank her for the wifi you’re using to read this. True story.

While sitting in the chair getting tattooed it felt great, I felt free, I felt like I was 23 again without a care in the world. That feeling only lasted a few minutes, because then I wondered what my kids were doing, how they were doing, what they were doing, if I had remembered Parkers blanket, because he cant sleep without it. They were more then fine. They were with my best friends who are their family as well. That’s the thing though. You become a mom and you slowly disappear.

I try to be who I was, but the thing is, I don’t exist anymore. That person I once was is gone. I’m glad she is because she was selfish, and unkind in a lot of ways. I like who I am becoming, most days. I know what I need to work on, because the kids show me daily what I need. I need patience. Man do I need patience. But the first step is accepting my faults right?

I know more days of laying on the bathroom floor, or hiding in the laundry room will still come Ill be the first to admit that. Ill lose my patience and yell and then feel terrible. Everyday is an actual new day when you’re a parent. It’s a constant learning curve. It is the hardest job there is and I will fight you over it. Ill try to continue writing the uncomfortable, to being open and honest, not for some stranger to read and relate. But for myself. Because I need to, I need to keep a piece of myself in this constant struggle of parenthood.

You’re making it momma.

You’re doing a good job.

You can get up off that bathroom floor and survive till bedtime.

Much love

Simone

Xoxo