Loneliness.
Perfection.
Unrealistic daily goals.
I have three girlfriends who are all mommas. We don’t live near each other but we have had a facebook group message for 2 or 3 years now.
I started it when I didn’t know what to do anymore or who to talk to. Stuck in a house alone a first time mom with a one year old who would literally smear her shit all over her crib, walls, sheets anything. If she had pooped in her diaper and I didn’t get in there fast enough…..
I went to school with these ladies, through high school I randomly hung out with them, different groups you know that kinda thing. One of them told me that we saw each other and talked in our early 20s while we were both living in Calgary. I honestly cant remember that, but my 20s weren’t a good decade for me.
These three ladies, who I have seen only twice in the past 15-20 years keep me together. We talk about how even though we are surrounded by so much love we are painstakingly lonely. How it just creeps up on you some days. How you can do everything so so right yet still feel just like the worst mom.
How we feel like on certain days we have caused irreversible emotional damage to our children.
We don’t start our conversations off with empty “how are yous”, we get right to it. We start our conversations with “i locked myself in the bathroom tonight, I couldn’t handle one more scream”.
These women who I don’t get to sit and have coffee with, or hug, or just cry with in person, they hold me up on the days I don’t know what the hell I am doing. Some days you know I feel so far removed from the rest of the world. I’m surrounded by beauty here in the country, with two super adventurous kids who are always down for doing something new. But I watch my husband leave in the morning and know I wont have an adult to speak to for another 15 hours. Some days longer. It’s hard. Ive heard from other people, yes but at least…. this is my pain please don’t talk it down.
Some days the loneliness is so heavy you can physically feel it pressing down on your chest. Some of these women have their parents, brothers sisters, immediate family a stones throw and they feel the pain of motherhood the same as I do. We all do. We all need our people. I so wish that I had them close by, but in reality I wouldn’t see them even that much more. Adulting and children fill your life so much it seems. One thing for sure is I am so so so unbelievably thankful to have these three women in my life, who are so open and brutally honest with me and what I ask them. I never have to worry about judgement with them.
You need to find these people in your life. We are all battling with ourselves on how we discipline our kids, or what to feed them, or buy them or not buy them. Social media has made it so ridiculously hard to have realistic daily goals for your family. Know what? My sink is full of dishes and the living room has toys and crumbs everywhere. Also I don’t care. My kids had a friend come hang out today, they played hard, ate lots and minus tears and tiredness loved it. So Ill take it. Ill take a win today because it has been a long day. Because while the kids played together today I had one of my best friends here as well. We sat on the couch and mostly questioned decisions the kids were making, and laughed at their dancing. But for my mental health I needed one of my people here today.
I really truly hope you all have a person. Or multiple people. That will drop what they are doing to send the text, pick up the phone, send the message, or come over. Because some days its just so hard. And if you don’t have those people near or far, send me a message, Ill listen, and Ill tell ya straight like it is. Or Ill find you a momma to help you along. Because that is what we need, it does take a village and we have either forgotten that part of parenting or have to much pride to ask. There’s a village somewhere out there waiting for you. Don’t hesitate.
Tomorrow’s a new day. And no mater what is coming, I am thankful that I never have to face it alone, I’m ready.
Much love
Xoxo
Simone 
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