On my last visit to the gyno when I was pregnant with Florence he asked me when I wanted to have her. Jokingly I said Friday the 13th, he told me that would be good since I was already dialated and basically in his opinion ready to deliver.
I had read a lot about doulas and midwifery and read the book Ina Mays guide to childbirth. I thought i was ready.
I hit up the Burger King drive through on the way home speaking to my mum and an old family friend. I thought I was ready.
My husband got home and we decided it was probably a good idea to maybe put together the bassinet and get ready for this little miracle girl we had coming. I thought I was ready.
We got to the hospital. I had been told I was at 3cm at the gynos office. At the hospital they told me I wasn’t dilated at all. This is the moment things started to turn. A doctor came in and told me that I was not going to have this baby tonight if I did not have my water broken then. He said that if I did not let them break my water I had to go home. I am stronger now then i was then. Having children will give you a back bone you never knew you had. But at that point in time I did not know. I wasn’t educated on my rights as a women, I didn’t know what the right answer was. My doctor wasn’t going to be delivering my baby. Who do you ask? The medical team standing around you basically telling you this is what they were going to do and if I didn’t like it then just leave?! I have talked about this day on a number of occasions. A lot happened mentally to me during the delivery which, in again hind sight actually caused a lot more that I didn’t see after she was here. During delivery and after telling the nurse a number of times not to move my leg over she walked over because out of frustration the fetal monitor had slipped off again, so she yanked my leg toward her. Yank doesn’t cover it, pull doesn’t cover it, but what happened in that moment resulted in more pain than I have ever experienced in my life. At that moment they had me on to many drugs to actually know what I was going to experience. But two days after delivery and 4 hours after being at home I was back in the hospital.
In the ER on my return I was accused of wanting drugs. They couldn’t find anything wrong with me, they did an ultrasound on my knee and scanned it. Nothing there. That’s where their level of care ended. The doctor shrugged his shoulders and said there’s nothing wrong with you and we cant give you drugs. So my daughters first night outside the hospital was spent with my in laws. That still bothers me. A lot of her firsts weren’t done with me. That still bothers me. I was a first time mom with absolutely zero idea of what I was doing and I was trying to breast feed, and hold her, and be the best I could and all I could think was I was failing her. I was going to mess it all up. I didn’t know how to make things right.
I wasn’t able to lay down for the first I cant even remember month maybe two. Not because of the end result of being told to go into the hospital to soon and then being pushed into labour, but because my hip was so severely damaged from that nurse pull. Florence slept in the bassinet beside me while I was on the couch. But with feedings being so many and me being so tired she ended up sleeping on me most of the time. Once I was able to lay in a bed I just slept in the spare room with her in bed with me. It was just simple that way. I had my doctor follow up and ended up speaking with her for over a hour. I opened up about how I was emotionally feeling as well as physically feeling. She should have told me I had PPD. I know that now. I did I had it and that first year of our daughters life was one of the hardest years on me. I felt that I had failed her from the very second she came out. That feeling didn’t leave for a very very long time. My biggest problem is that I couldn’t see that I was in it. I blame no one for not helping me, expect the medical professionals that are supposed to see it. I answered their questions open and honestly. I needed more support. I needed more support from the day I went to see my OBGYN. I needed more support from the doctor pushing me to break my water, or the one giving me more pitocin ( I had a total of 30ml before my husband told them to stop) I needed support from the ER staff, from my family doctor. I needed to be heard and not just pushed away told it was in my head, my body and my mind went through a lot of trauma.
I was angry for a long time about what happened. Ive cried writing a lot of this. My story is mine but its not the only one. Because of that incident with the nurse I had a full left hip replacement surgery shortly after Florence turned 3.
Yes we also have Parker who is two years and 10 days younger than Florence. No he was not planned, same that Florence wasn’t. He is my 7th pregnancy. While pregnant with him I heard someone say that they didn’t understand that I couldn’t work but could get pregnant. That’s almost two years ago now and it still makes me spitting mad. I know I know it shouldn’t, peoples opinions of me shouldn’t matter but unfortunately some of them I cant turn the other cheek. The least amount of pain I was in was while I was pregnant with Parker. Just the way he sat made it easier to deal with, the pressure was perfect. That persons opinion shouldn’t matter. I know that what I went through was a terrible time it was horrible and I did everything my body could do to take care of my children and husband. I wasn’t able to do 90% of what I love and things have changed but they are getting better. I am planning a future with my family now.
Once I made it through the cloud I started fighting for my health. I knew that this wasn’t right, that I shouldn’t be 35 and not able to sit on the floor with my daughter, not take her for long walks, not be who I had been. So I kept going back, I got second opinions and I didn’t let people push me around this time. I fought for myself and for my family. I fought to stay off opioids which was the easiest way the doctors wanted to treat my problems. In the end I had to take them to control my pain and then had to deal with coming off them once I didn’t physically need them. But that’s definitely a whole other story.
I missed things because I didn’t stand up for myself. Because too many women don’t know what they should do, they don’t have an advocate for their physical or mental health. We need to find a way to correct that. We need to find a way that we can not be pushed into delivery or told that its in our head or that we are just looking for drugs. We need more people standing up for those who cant for themselves, or don’t know how. If you feel like you need a second opinion then you need a second opinion that’s it nothing more go get it. My doctor sent me to a surgeon who I waited to see for almost a year, he spent 9minutes with me and told me to lose weight. That was it. But i did not let that happen again, I did not let someone tell me that it was a reason I knew wasn’t the true reason. So I called my doctor immediately (that is after I called my husband crying) and said I want another opinion. I got one. And he actually spent the time with me. In the end my hip was about to shatter my pelvis, it was literally a matter of time in my case. If I hadn’t pushed for my own well being things might have been very very different.
As crazy as it sounds the whole experience was the best thing to happen to our family. We have never been this close, we have never been this in love, and I haven’t been this happy. Fight for yourself if no one else will. Do not care what other people think if you know there is something wrong don’t let it happen. You deserve better, you deserve to be heard and your family needs you. Your voice deserves to be heard.
Much love
Xoxo
Simone
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