Today was long. Today was one of those days that felt like it would never end. This is where I am supposed to feel all this mom guilt for feeling that way, but today I do not.
Our days are starting earlier for whatever reason, I mean the sun isn’t up for hours after they get up. I could have handled it better in the summer I think with the sun being up so early as well. Makes it feel like at least the day is starting. When they get up and then two hours later the sun makes an appearance, that’s a hard start.
Today was also preschool day. So obviously its a ridiculous long day for her to wait to go, she doesnt go until 12:30. So add in that shes been up since 5:30am to the racket and by the time she gets home there’s a lot of sass and there’s a long of tiredness.
Today was also a day where it didn’t matter my tone, volume, words, threats, time outs, nothing. Today was the day she had decided she will no longer listen to me. Add in that I have tried many different activities with the kids and some she only gets to play once her brother takes a nap (and that’s a whooooolllllllleeeeeee other post). Nothing, including making cookies her favourite thing, was enough.
So by the time its time to get ready to go to school she has also decided shes not actually 100% on going. So there’s a 25min battle to get dressed (again) get shoes, jackets, snacks, all the while fending off her brother who at this point has realized shes leaving and he has to just stay with me, so he also just becomes an unhappy sassy pants McGee.
I question myself daily on why I say things, like, don’t splash in the puddle you don’t have boots on (way to many words to begin with), put that stick down, why are you chasing your brother with a piece of rebar, Parker bring back those crowbars, no you cant strike matches. Because honestly who am I talking to anyways?!
Daddy got home early today. So i automatically became actually ignored, like doesnt need to even acknowledge that I am even here any longer because daddy’s home.
So add in the early morning, the tons of activities during the day plus school, she plays with the neighbours on the trampoline, and driving the cars, and running around. By the time I get her inside with Parker in tow, who has been helping daddy and running around the horses bringing in the hay (not ours the neighbours) exhaustion is beyond. Bath time which is usually the quiet calming part of the night that Segways into popcorn and a show before bed, turned into the next 45min of unbearable screams and tears and meltdowns and just everyone’s exhausted now.
You see she has a crown. You cant actually wear it because the headband piece is gone, but that obviously doesn’t matter to a three year old. There was a bath tub altercation with it, which resulted it in being confiscated, and it began. I was sprayed with water, the melt down started, bath time ended, and 40min more of pure screaming. I texted my husband for back up and he came right away. He was outside so not to far away which was nice considering that usually isn’t the case at this time of night. He tried to defuse the situation to no avail, had dinner, Parker had his second dinner, he did the good night thing, put parker down who then banged on his door, i put him down, she was now crying again on the couch.
I gave her her warm cup of milk, we had already gotten pjs on, thankfully, (that was also a chore). Then i tried to get her to bed. Well she needs another hug from daddy. I laid down with her, started reading to her but she wasn’t having any of it. I promised a hug from him when he came back inside. Its currently quiet in the house. I can only assume that shes sleeping, hopefully tonight shes in her bed and not in front of the door like last night. I may or may not have hit her with the door when I went in to check on her.
Anyways. I am beyond exhausted. Its draining, its physically and mentally draining. It literally sucks everything from you when you are constantly screamed at and there’s no consolation. We do butterfly breaths when our emotions get to much. She stands and inhales and lifts her arms like wings. Exhales arms flap down. We do as many as she wants to help her calm and focus and it works. But tonight it was to much. I’m sitting her watching the sun set from our kitchen window and I’m thinking about all the moments during the day I kept my cool, and the moments I didn’t, and this is when the mom guilt comes in. This is when you start to question how you respond to things that happen. It is so extremely hard to know if your doing it right. If what you have chosen to discipline on, or let slide or talk through, if those choices were the right ones, if those were the ones that will help get them through other tough moments in life, or if your decisions in those moments will cause more tough moments in life.
Then i remember THE moment of the day.
Florence came inside to have dinner with me. It was arguments over the food, it was impatience on both our parts, her because she just wanted to get outside and play with her friend again, and me because she wasn’t paying attention to her plate or glass. i looked in the full of dishes kitchen and thought I cant go outside I have to clean this up. I let her go but said if her friend wasn’t there she had to come back right away. Well she didn’t. But she did play in the tree house and I can see her from the kitchen window so that worked while I was doing dishes. When I was done I went outside and she wasn’t there, I called her and she was on the driveway looking at her friend. I told her she could go play. She yelled thanks and took off. But then she came back. She came back and said to me, you are the best momma ever in the whole world.
That moment, in between al the other ones. That one moment where I get kisses blown to me and I’m told I’m the best. It’s those. That make it worth it.
There will be a hundred more days like today. But there will be thousands more moments like that, that’s what makes it all worth the screaming, and the tears and the melt downs and the not listening. It all makes life as a momma feel like you matter, in days where you can get swept away by everyone else’s needs and forget who you are and what you do. Ill take and ill try my hardest to show love and compassion and understanding.
Spread some love
Simone
Xoxo
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